Share Your Memory

Dear Rob,

I miss you.

It’s as simple as that most of the time. Some days more than others. I’m sure in time, this will fade somewhat, and the pain and loss will come less frequently.

But today I missed you a lot.

I don’t know where to start this letter because in many ways, I have lost sight of where you ended, and I began. Cheesy as it may be, and you’d no doubt call me out for that, but on a scale of zero to *NSync, you have affected every part of who I am, who I have become, and who I work to be.

I wasn’t a good friend to you these past few years. That’s on me and I have to own that for the rest of my life. In a tragic bit of irony, I had reached out with intention to fix things. We exchanged some texts the week you were packing for this last trip. I told myself I’d work on this, and that there was time to get things back.

I wish there was more time.

But among the many things you taught me, and held me accountable for, one was actually being accountable. So I’ll hold myself accountable here. I’ll own it. I let the friendship fade. I am not proud of it nor am I beating myself up about it. Life ebbs and flows and we had our moments of space and togetherness through the decades, and we always found each other again. We would have found each other again, I’m sure of it. Sadly, fate intervened this time and I’ll carry the regret of this to my grave.

I’ll also carry to my grave an immense gratitude to the gods and spirits, for bringing you into my life (I know, you’d read this and shout “Damnit, you came into MY life, Kobert, not the other way around!!”) when they did. I met you as a young, naive, arrogant 21 year old punk. I was lucky to live with you for a few years, and have you be the older (and sometimes younger) brother I needed. You shaped me in every way possible. There’s a song I hear lately, a pop song which would anger you, but there is a line that rings so true to how I feel:

*“I’m afraid I might never have met me.”*

This line is me looking back on a life without Rob. I would never have met me because you, in a way only you can do, lived so true to yourself, to your truth, that you forced everyone around you to either contemplate the same, or run away as fast as they could. The lucky ones contemplated and leaned in. I was a lucky one.

When I think about the man I am ( I can literally hear you in my head “WOW, let’s be honest here Jordan. You’re a male. That’s science. We can’t argue that. But you and I both know that ‘Man’ is a leap. Guy? Sure. Giant Man Baby? Yes. But ‘Man’…I’m not entirely sure we can go there, are you?”). But as I was saying…when I think about the man I am, the person I identify as…the husband, father, son, brother, friend, cyclist, cook, skier, mountain lover, thinker, doer, and more. There isn’t a single one of those elements that are me, that weren’t shifted in their arc by my time with you.

So the main thing I want to say here today brother, is thank you. From the bottom of my soul, thank you. In the deepest and most pure way that one can offer gratitude to another, Thank you. My wife thanks you, my daughters thank you, and my friends and family thank you. For it was you Rob, who shaped me, and in doing so affected all of us…for the better.

I see so much of you in my daughters because there is so much of you in me. This is the only way I know how to honor and deal with your passing. I will learn from my mistakes, and continue to live as close to my truth, a truth you helped me uncover, as I can. Every day. I promise this to you and I know you’ll be watching.

You wrote me a letter in August of 2001 when I left Boulder. I read it a lot these days. There’s so much there. There are two parts that just scream to me right now.

*“Is there a higher calling, more worthy vocation, than love?”*

You taught me how to convey love in friends. How to live true, fight, recover, and communicate love to those around me…to an extended family of brothers. I carry that to this day and it makes every day better.

Then there’s the end of it:

*For every moment is a goodbye*

*and therefore,*

*each must be as complete as possible*

*in preparation.*

*Thank you,*

*to the friend, to God*

*until we meet again.*

And this is how you lived. Each moment as complete as possible. Soaking up everything life could offer. I see it clearer now than ever. I commit to learning from this more and more, and to living each moment as complete as possible.

You deserve that from me.

I deserve it for myself.

And I love you for bringing me here.

To my friend, to the gods: Thank you for Rob, thank you for the time we had.

Until we meet again,

I love you.

-Jordan.